As I put thought to word
I bitterly think, if you don’t get this
You. Don’t. Get. Me.
But who could at this point
I don’t even get myself.
There is so much here now and so much pending
There are so many choices and so much lending
Itself to my craziness.
Will I always change my mind?
Will I never just know?
Will I always second guess myself
Will there ever be someone to show
Who my heart really is.
Or will they always slip and take advantage.
What is this of purity, what is this of forgiveness?
What is this of leadership and heartfelt intervention.
What is this of grace and what is this true compassion?
Can my heart be free to fly or must I remain pensive.
You don’t know me.
I don’t know me.
And yet we distract myself.
When my heart should be thinking about its ways to offer
All it can conjure up is thoughts about itself.
My focus has shifted, to the point where it is all but gone.
Sitting now unmoved in pews, one question:
Where did I go wrong.
Then suddenly
You appear again
Through curly hair and a ‘been there’ face.
You cut right through using their mouth in ways I can’t explain.
My heart cries for again I’ve missed the mark
My heart cries for again, there You are.
My desire that once waivered is awakened by Your breath.
My heart clings to its purpose, to its Lover, to its Friend.
The questions and the tears are not instantly removed.
The ‘now whats’ and the ‘with whats’ remain stuck between my shoes.
But here surfaces clarity
Where the true cry of this heart belongs,
{You} Help me.
{You} Help me be.
{You} Help me be strong.
b.sue
_________________
"Awaken" Bethany Hamm
Here I am again
Heart split from my head
My words are separated
My mind is all but jaded
Awaken
Awaken me.
Open my eyes to what I can’t see
Open my heart to what’s bigger than me
Open my ears to Your whispering
Open my hands to their suffering
Awaken
Awaken me.
You’ve lasted all my crazy games
You never held me to my shame
How could I look past You
I feel Your fingers through my hair
I can sense You everywhere
Awaken
Awaken me.
Open my eyes to what I can’t see
Open my heart to what’s bigger than me
Open my ears to Your whispering
Open my hands to their suffering
Awaken
Awaken me.
Sunday, September 28, 2008
Monday, September 22, 2008
front door.
i went to sleep with tears.
i woke up with tears.
and i can't tell you if i'm doing this to myself.
i don't know where my head is.
i feel like my heart is spinning.
and i'm trying to state this plainly
as to not lose anyone's train of thought
especially my own.
maybe i just need to be a recluse.
maybe i just need to recharge.
but how do i do that.
and what does that look like.
again, more questions to my soul.
maybe i should just wear a sign
a sign that says warning:not normal
but then i'd suppose i'd have to make signs for us all.
so. here i sit. lost in thought.
praying that You show me that You're in control.
and here i sit. not wanting to leave.
but knowing that i must walk out this front door.
my brain is a mess and my heart is spinning.
but i must keep going.
i must walk out this front door.
i woke up with tears.
and i can't tell you if i'm doing this to myself.
i don't know where my head is.
i feel like my heart is spinning.
and i'm trying to state this plainly
as to not lose anyone's train of thought
especially my own.
maybe i just need to be a recluse.
maybe i just need to recharge.
but how do i do that.
and what does that look like.
again, more questions to my soul.
maybe i should just wear a sign
a sign that says warning:not normal
but then i'd suppose i'd have to make signs for us all.
so. here i sit. lost in thought.
praying that You show me that You're in control.
and here i sit. not wanting to leave.
but knowing that i must walk out this front door.
my brain is a mess and my heart is spinning.
but i must keep going.
i must walk out this front door.
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Saturday, August 23, 2008
free fallin'
my mind is all but gone as i sit alone at an old table in a new kitchen.
john mayer's version of free fallin' is on repeat.
i have slept three hours in the last forty eight.
yet here, today, amidst the exhaustion, beautiful clarity.
i stood again alone at the river's edge and felt as though i was going to fall in by no choice of my own.
the water and everything that swirled in my heart was sucking me in and down and under with all the emotions in my head and soul.
and then i let go.
and then i walked away.
that same day i had yelled in my car at God and said "Take it. Please take it. Protect my heart, keep it safe until the one YOU have deemed "Mr. Him" is in front of me and who YOU know will have the strength to carry the weight of a woman's heart. You keep this heart and do not let me give it away a moment too soon."
and there at the water, ripped out. removed.
confusion was gone.
Anger was gone.
Girlish webs of romantic feelings that settled were gone.
ripped out. removed.
But there was no hole in its wake.
No tears to morn its loss.
Simply a whole girl with a soul on fire.
With a new desire to be more.
A desire for the next.
Off the ledge now.
Free fallin.
The words from the stage left my body shaking with sobs and my heart over flowing.
There is so much that there is no time for sleep these days.
So much and yet everything able to be done in the 24 hours given to me.
And tomorrow we start again.
A fresh 24.
One more chance to free fall into the unknown of living out the passion I was created for.
come with?
john mayer's version of free fallin' is on repeat.
i have slept three hours in the last forty eight.
yet here, today, amidst the exhaustion, beautiful clarity.
i stood again alone at the river's edge and felt as though i was going to fall in by no choice of my own.
the water and everything that swirled in my heart was sucking me in and down and under with all the emotions in my head and soul.
and then i let go.
and then i walked away.
that same day i had yelled in my car at God and said "Take it. Please take it. Protect my heart, keep it safe until the one YOU have deemed "Mr. Him" is in front of me and who YOU know will have the strength to carry the weight of a woman's heart. You keep this heart and do not let me give it away a moment too soon."
and there at the water, ripped out. removed.
confusion was gone.
Anger was gone.
Girlish webs of romantic feelings that settled were gone.
ripped out. removed.
But there was no hole in its wake.
No tears to morn its loss.
Simply a whole girl with a soul on fire.
With a new desire to be more.
A desire for the next.
Off the ledge now.
Free fallin.
The words from the stage left my body shaking with sobs and my heart over flowing.
There is so much that there is no time for sleep these days.
So much and yet everything able to be done in the 24 hours given to me.
And tomorrow we start again.
A fresh 24.
One more chance to free fall into the unknown of living out the passion I was created for.
come with?
Monday, August 11, 2008
prayer:please
Tomorrow my friend Todd will be going in for surgery to have a tumor removed. Please pray for 1) total removal of the tumor 2) that the doctors can determine quickly how aggressive the cancer is to decide further action 3) that they do not find that the cancer has spread and 4) that Todd would have complete healing in order to be able to return to full duty.
Todd is a fighter pilot in the Air Force. His girlfriend Rachael is my best friend.
Your prayers are appreciated.
Sunday, August 10, 2008
.to.do.
…and there’s this burning, just like there’s always been, I’ve never been so alone, alone and I’ve and I’ve, I’ve never been so alive. So alive.
Pay off school loans.
Have 3 months salary in savings.
Get better at guitar.
Write enough songs for an entire album.
Record said album.
Paint the ideas in my head.
Become a good listener.
Become a good friend/sister/daughter/cousin/granddaughter/niece.
Find a way to pay to go back to school.
Get my RN.
Go to leadership college for missions.
Become fluent again in Spanish.
Become fluent in French and German.
Live in another country.
Live in another country on the ocean.
Surf.
Become good at surfing/ocean photography.
Not get annihilated by a shark during any of above listed ocean activities.
Be a life changing tool in someone else’s life, part of a “pivot” moment.
Have a child, my own or adopted.
Preferably get married if the latter is my own. If adopting, I’m open on the whole marriage subject. You understand I’m sure.
If referring to above marriage subject, marry someone from another country with a fantastic accent. Or blue eyes.
Be open to changing any of above listed plans if a greater goal emerges.
Pay off school loans.
Have 3 months salary in savings.
Get better at guitar.
Write enough songs for an entire album.
Record said album.
Paint the ideas in my head.
Become a good listener.
Become a good friend/sister/daughter/cousin/granddaughter/niece.
Find a way to pay to go back to school.
Get my RN.
Go to leadership college for missions.
Become fluent again in Spanish.
Become fluent in French and German.
Live in another country.
Live in another country on the ocean.
Surf.
Become good at surfing/ocean photography.
Not get annihilated by a shark during any of above listed ocean activities.
Be a life changing tool in someone else’s life, part of a “pivot” moment.
Have a child, my own or adopted.
Preferably get married if the latter is my own. If adopting, I’m open on the whole marriage subject. You understand I’m sure.
If referring to above marriage subject, marry someone from another country with a fantastic accent. Or blue eyes.
Be open to changing any of above listed plans if a greater goal emerges.
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
You're so brilliant, don't soon forget
this song has woken me up every morning for i can't tell you how long. i keep meaning to post the lyrics, and finally 2 minutes before work i sat down to finally do it. this is for whoever's heart needs it now.
anberlin-unwinding cable car
emotive unstable you're like an unwinding cable car
Listening for voices, but it's the choices that make us who we are
Go your own way, even seasons have changed just burn those new leaves over
So self-absorbed you've seemed to ignore the prayers that have already come about
This is the correlation of salvation and love Don't drop your arms
Don't drop your arms, I'll guard your heart
With quiet words I'll lead you in
Backing away from the problem of pain you never had a home
You've been misguided, you're hiding in shadows for so very long
Don't you believe that you've been deceived, that you're no better than the hair in your eyes
It never disguised what you're really thinking of
This is the correlation of salvation and love
Don't drop your arms
Don't drop your arms, I'll guard your heart
With quiet words I'll lead you in
This is the correlation of salvation and love
Don't drop your arms, I'll guard your heart
With quiet words I'll lead you in
You're so brilliant, don't soon forget
You're so brilliant, grace marked your heart
You're so brilliant, don't soon forget
This is the correlation of salvation and love
Don't drop your arms, I'll guard your heart
With quiet words I'll lead you in
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