my creativeness is strangling

I feel like I need to write. I don't know what about. I've turned my creative side off in the last few weeks due to needing all I have to focus on academia and employment. And to this I say "BOO!" Today I have nothing to accomplish in either realm, and so today I am sitting cross-legged on my couch, drinking coffee, listening to The Airborne Toxic Event (Deluxe Edition), and thinking of all the things I should be doing for every other attention starved area of my life instead:

a) reading my Bible. Good God my spiritual life has both flourished and been squandered in the last several weeks. I have learned so much and yet am constantly reminded of how much more I could be doing. For in all this mess that is my life, that is the point.

b) cleaning my room. If you were to enter the realm that is Bethany, this girl would be flat embarrassed to say the least. I'm never home save for sleep. I come home, change from my scrubs, usually toss them on the floor, sprawl out my homework all over the kitchen table, then pass out whenever that is done, only to lather rinse repeat the very next day. Speaking of, here is revelation...

:pause for laundry:

c) reading up/studying for my finals. Or reading the two new books I just purchased by Emily Dickensen and Lee Stroebel.

d) Two words. Working. Out. While the stress of these last ten weeks has forced my sleep deprived body to lose 10lbs, and while I am on my feet and going 16 hours everyday, I. Am. Horribly. Out of shape!

e) writing new music. I have two shows coming up, one with a national band, so I am in heavy need of new things. Oh and not to mention, I am getting ready to start work on my first album....

Having ADD is lending myself to getting bored with this basically self absorbed "to do" list. Because lets be honest. a) who is actually reading this and b) who really cares.

That's a better list.

While typing it all out did let me see a clear list of what I need to do as well as let me procrastinate actually accomplishing said list, it's time to put up or shut up. So despite the fact that a nap truly is what I want to do, I'm going to try and get to the heart of what matters and in turn accomplish the tasks that spoke off of that heart.

P.S. - Sometimes when I type, I feel like I'm full of a lot of bullshit, honestly. I genuinely am feeling the effects of pushing pause the creative heart of me...

not what anyone would say

So it's been a minute since I've put thought here. I suppose everything goes to facebook these days, mostly because I'm not afraid to have my heart on my sleeve. If you want to know, trust me, you will. I'm not much for hiding things. Sometimes that makes people uncomfortable, most times it makes me thankful. The above picture is something I made last week. I called it "My Brain." Just a small clue. "I just wanna say, I'm the type of person who lets fear drive. I'm the type of guy who lets it drive..." that song is on my player, again. Has been pretty much every day since I bought the album. Grace. A new concept to this little wretch.

Legalism is a stranglehold. It held me and my loved ones well into my adult years, and is still creeping in ways I'm sometimes blind to. Thank God for people who love me enough to speak truth to me even when it's hard for them to do.

The challenge recently has been that though God's grown me in leaps and bounds over this last year, it is time to let those big things I've learned filter down into the little things, into the everyday. "A view from a good friend who disapproves but understands" that lyric just played when I paused after everyday, and that's pretty much exactly it. A good friend sat me down and said I needed to change some things up. "Cause I know it's not what you deserve." She said while things have changed, and while I have had good things surrounding my life and good things in and out of my life, the enemy still had the capabilities of using those good things to keep me from best things. Her challenge? Be single. Be alone. Be purposeful in both an in that solitude seek Christ like never before and with no distraction.

When she spoke her words, my heart matched up with them word for word and seemed to jump for joy inside me. I had been absolutely wrestling with situations on which my heart wasn't clear. Questions like "am I ready? what of baggage? what of timing? what of all my plans I am craving for? What of travel, what of solitude? what of relationship PHOBIA?" plus a thousand others were bouncing inside my head at a million miles an hour, until I heard her say "be single."

In that instant my heart breathed a sigh of relief.

Suddenly all my hopes and dreams seemed to be restored. All of the time I knew I would need to walk through my own heart was handed back to me. And it felt good.

::pause for blender sound drowning out ability to think::

and we're ::blender again:: nope...wait for it...

ok. we're back. :D

I don't know it's hard to understand unless you're me. Most, almost all really, of my friends are ready to be at that next phase of their life. They are actively seeking and searching for Mr. Him or Miss Her. And that makes sense, it does. They are the normal. But for me? That doesn't fit. Not just yet. Thinking of having a family terrifies me. Thinking of the responsibilities that come with being a wife makes my heart scream "I'M NOT READY YET!!!" and really. That's ok. That's actually a really good thing, because let's face it. I still have things I need to purge, things I need to learn, and just in general, life that I need to walk through before I can even think about handing this heart over.

And right now, in that last pause, the perfect song plays. "You close your eyes and kiss your hand, and you blow it. but it isn't meant for me and I know it. Time never had a chance to heal your heart."

So here I am. I'm learning how to pray. Learning how to live a life of truth and love. Learning how to care for things in the moments they are given. Learning how to listen to the hearts of people I love. Learning how listen to my own heart. Learning to get exciting about where God is taking just me. This is good. This is just good.

add to that

so this is where I consider my thoughts safe. not many follow here. Here is where I can say my heart is hurting and overwhelmed and no one that would react other than normal will be any the wiser. i want to punch and cry and scream and laugh and sing and be silent all at once. 

i have my first show in two years on friday. and i am not ready. i do not have the songs i want to sing, nor is my voice anywhere near over being sick. i am thinking of every reason to back out, but be brave i must. i can't back out or i'll be so disappointed in myself. 

add to that that it is finals week. my first starts tomorrow and they don't end until Monday night. 4 total.

add to that I am now scrambling to pull strings together for the first real shoot of my modeling career. and what else would it be but a bridal shoot. the irony. i have to FIND a wedding dress. remind me, but didn't i just SELL a wedding dress?

add to that i am still working full time, M-F 8-5 and volunteering 2 nights a week. We have our video shoot this Wednesday for our big once a year event for my high school girls small group. I also have practice for my show Wednesday night. I also have a final Wednesday afternoon. I also have a doctor's appointment Wednesday noon. I also work Wednesday morning. Ha.

add to that I am training 5 days a week for the half marathon on May 3 as well as trying to keep my body from falling apart by going to a chiropractor 3x a week.

add to that I am leaving for the east coast to see my beloved family, but also to see a boy. a boy i haven't talked to in three days. a boy i used to fall asleep on the phone with every night. a boy who told me he still wanted to get to know me, to pursue me, but again, a boy i haven't heard from in three days, let alone heard his voice. 

i can handle almost everything on my plate. almost. but let's face it. it's always the opposite sex that throws everything into upheaval. i am trying so so hard not to think about it, not to wonder what he's thinking about it, not to check my phone every 5 seconds to see if he's even so much as sent me a text, not to write heart break songs, not to FREAK OUT. cause really. i like him. a lot. and i'm feeling like his likes for me are fading fast. i think the hardest part is that he is the first i've let in since the last shattered things apart. so now holding my ears against the lies that "see, you might as well give up, you are always going to be left behind" is a hard thing to do. 

but here's where the dramatic takes a twist towards the relief.

here's where faith comes in.

i can only talk myself into sanity for so long before i realize i'm already insanely hopeless. if anything, through all the wondering and processing of this, i have learned that above all things, i must trust. i must trust that What i believe in will not fail me. that the Love i have around and in me will not simply let go and toss me to chance. There is rhyme. There is reason. 

So here i sit. Typing my feelings to a safe screen instead of speaking them to a boy and ruining everything. I am a happy busy girl all on my own. I am not defined by a boy, I am not defined by a photograph, I am not defined by a race. I am defined by Love and in Love tonight I will lay all these things to rest. There is nothing that needs adding to that.