so this is where I consider my thoughts safe. not many follow here. Here is where I can say my heart is hurting and overwhelmed and no one that would react other than normal will be any the wiser. i want to punch and cry and scream and laugh and sing and be silent all at once.
i have my first show in two years on friday. and i am not ready. i do not have the songs i want to sing, nor is my voice anywhere near over being sick. i am thinking of every reason to back out, but be brave i must. i can't back out or i'll be so disappointed in myself.
add to that that it is finals week. my first starts tomorrow and they don't end until Monday night. 4 total.
add to that I am now scrambling to pull strings together for the first real shoot of my modeling career. and what else would it be but a bridal shoot. the irony. i have to FIND a wedding dress. remind me, but didn't i just SELL a wedding dress?
add to that i am still working full time, M-F 8-5 and volunteering 2 nights a week. We have our video shoot this Wednesday for our big once a year event for my high school girls small group. I also have practice for my show Wednesday night. I also have a final Wednesday afternoon. I also have a doctor's appointment Wednesday noon. I also work Wednesday morning. Ha.
add to that I am training 5 days a week for the half marathon on May 3 as well as trying to keep my body from falling apart by going to a chiropractor 3x a week.
add to that I am leaving for the east coast to see my beloved family, but also to see a boy. a boy i haven't talked to in three days. a boy i used to fall asleep on the phone with every night. a boy who told me he still wanted to get to know me, to pursue me, but again, a boy i haven't heard from in three days, let alone heard his voice.
i can handle almost everything on my plate. almost. but let's face it. it's always the opposite sex that throws everything into upheaval. i am trying so so hard not to think about it, not to wonder what he's thinking about it, not to check my phone every 5 seconds to see if he's even so much as sent me a text, not to write heart break songs, not to FREAK OUT. cause really. i like him. a lot. and i'm feeling like his likes for me are fading fast. i think the hardest part is that he is the first i've let in since the last shattered things apart. so now holding my ears against the lies that "see, you might as well give up, you are always going to be left behind" is a hard thing to do.
but here's where the dramatic takes a twist towards the relief.
here's where faith comes in.
i can only talk myself into sanity for so long before i realize i'm already insanely hopeless. if anything, through all the wondering and processing of this, i have learned that above all things, i must trust. i must trust that What i believe in will not fail me. that the Love i have around and in me will not simply let go and toss me to chance. There is rhyme. There is reason.
So here i sit. Typing my feelings to a safe screen instead of speaking them to a boy and ruining everything. I am a happy busy girl all on my own. I am not defined by a boy, I am not defined by a photograph, I am not defined by a race. I am defined by Love and in Love tonight I will lay all these things to rest. There is nothing that needs adding to that.
