Wednesday, November 19, 2008


stranger things can happen. greens fade into blue. i sit here writing to no one. not even to you. the bottle quickens the wasted time of the glass. drink in deeply, spill it all out. red is the color that you make me see. then eyes grow dark, move over this plane, and past all that was to be. shake it out, never there and yet saturates in and underneath. there is more to this girl than bruised knuckles and a pissed off state of mind. you are my other half and yet i can't save you from this now. the monster comes roaring back, tearing at both your souls. and i can't save you. i can't lend my expertise. i offer nothing but this heart on this sleeve. the monster is a devil, a glutton, a bastard child seeking more. your bodies it seeks to devour, yet your love it cannot hold. i believe in you. i believe in him. if only i could sink my teeth into its very center. if only i could kill it quick. green grass grows on hills I've yet to climb. oceans lap lazily on beaches yet felt by these soles. but give me just a minute. let me collect my thoughts. these passions are gathering, gaining strength, and soon, very soon, the world will see them explode. give me your hand. you will see. you. such a weighted word. orange and blue and red and you. there are no words. there are paintings. pictures. melodies and harmonies. all describing you. and yet your name remains elusive. does it? potential. i am potential. i fidget like a little girl with your voice in my ear. wiggling around and pacing in my room. i don't know what to do with you. back burner, first place. cuss words and waves. music and inspiration. a punching bag in the basement. checking my phone a thousand times a day. a nervous knee, the depth of me. and everyone asks who. you. i don't even know. you. mine is a face that wants to pay the bills. but a body that denies the truth. work harder. push harder. get there. be there. be everything they ask of a girl. and then ask yourself. is this what you want. write your songs, strain your vocal chords. and then ask, what part of this flames the flaunt. my thoughts are slowing. or are they speeding to the point of light with no coherency of what will come next. i can't type fast enough. I'll lose every time. take me to California i'll whisper as i start this drift towards sleep. kiss me on The tower. melt in and out of Greece. No me ame como él. Ámeme para mí.

"Incomplete"

One day I'll find relief
I'll be arrived
And I'll be friend to my friends who know how to be friends
One day I'll be at peace
I'll be enlightened and I'll be married with children and maybe adopt
One day I will be healed
I will gather my wounds forge the end of tragic comedy

One day my mind will retreat
And I'll know God
And I'll be constantly one with her night dusk and day
One day I'll be secure
Like the women I see on their thirtieth anniversaries

Ever unfolding
Ever expanding
Ever adventurous
And torturous
And never done

One day I will speak freely
I'll be less afraid 
And measured outside of my poems and lyrics and art
One day I will be faith-filled
I'll be trusting and spacious authentic and grounded and home

I have been running so sweaty my whole life
Urgent for a finish line
And I have been missing the rapture this whole time of being forever incomplete

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

the only song i wrote for you.


i told myself i never would. never write a song to commemorate you. tonight you crossed the line. now i stand, unwrapping this line around my neck. i have chosen not to follow, someone i once gave my heart to. with the firing squad at the ready, everything laid out on a sleeve, your last response, "i'm done wasting any more time with you...I won't spend my strength." what part of "this is healed" do you not understand. how dare you scratch and lash your way back in. you are not my owner, i no longer a slave. this girl has broken free of you. busy yourself with someone else's grave.

___________________________________

you broke this heart for the last time/
tonight the tables have all but/ 
turned for now this heart breaks for/ 
you who hide behind your own /
pretensions that keep you safe/
is all you'll ever need/
and all you'll ever be is sorry/
this is a bridge/
i will let it burn/
watch the match/
drop from this unregretting heart/
this is a bridge/
i will let it burn/
/
you say no more strength to be spent on me/
there was never a day where i was not your crutch/
a world revolving around your heart/
a world that destroyed everything it touched/
you are sinking deeper in/
you are more than self absorbed/
/
this is a bridge/
i will let it burn/
watch the match/
drop from this unregretting heart/
this is a bridge/
/
i will let it burn/
i choked my way out/
battered, bleeding and broken/
at the edge of your raging surface/
i found my strength, something true i could hope in//