awaken

As I put thought to word
I bitterly think, if you don’t get this
You. Don’t. Get. Me.
But who could at this point
I don’t even get myself.
There is so much here now and so much pending
There are so many choices and so much lending
Itself to my craziness.
Will I always change my mind?
Will I never just know?
Will I always second guess myself
Will there ever be someone to show
Who my heart really is.
Or will they always slip and take advantage.
What is this of purity, what is this of forgiveness?
What is this of leadership and heartfelt intervention.
What is this of grace and what is this true compassion?
Can my heart be free to fly or must I remain pensive.
You don’t know me.
I don’t know me.
And yet we distract myself.
When my heart should be thinking about its ways to offer
All it can conjure up is thoughts about itself.
My focus has shifted, to the point where it is all but gone.
Sitting now unmoved in pews, one question:
Where did I go wrong.
Then suddenly
You appear again
Through curly hair and a ‘been there’ face.
You cut right through using their mouth in ways I can’t explain.
My heart cries for again I’ve missed the mark
My heart cries for again, there You are.
My desire that once waivered is awakened by Your breath.
My heart clings to its purpose, to its Lover, to its Friend.
The questions and the tears are not instantly removed.
The ‘now whats’ and the ‘with whats’ remain stuck between my shoes.
But here surfaces clarity
Where the true cry of this heart belongs,
{You} Help me.
{You} Help me be.
{You} Help me be strong.
b.sue

_________________

"Awaken" Bethany Hamm
Here I am again
Heart split from my head
My words are separated
My mind is all but jaded
Awaken
Awaken me.
Open my eyes to what I can’t see
Open my heart to what’s bigger than me
Open my ears to Your whispering
Open my hands to their suffering
Awaken
Awaken me.
You’ve lasted all my crazy games
You never held me to my shame
How could I look past You
I feel Your fingers through my hair
I can sense You everywhere
Awaken
Awaken me.
Open my eyes to what I can’t see
Open my heart to what’s bigger than me
Open my ears to Your whispering
Open my hands to their suffering
Awaken
Awaken me.

front door.

i went to sleep with tears.
i woke up with tears.
and i can't tell you if i'm doing this to myself.
i don't know where my head is.
i feel like my heart is spinning.
and i'm trying to state this plainly
as to not lose anyone's train of thought
especially my own.

maybe i just need to be a recluse.
maybe i just need to recharge.
but how do i do that.
and what does that look like.
again, more questions to my soul.

maybe i should just wear a sign
a sign that says warning:not normal
but then i'd suppose i'd have to make signs for us all.

so. here i sit. lost in thought.
praying that You show me that You're in control.
and here i sit. not wanting to leave.
but knowing that i must walk out this front door.
my brain is a mess and my heart is spinning.
but i must keep going.
i must walk out this front door.

dreams be dreams.