free fallin'

my mind is all but gone as i sit alone at an old table in a new kitchen.
john mayer's version of free fallin' is on repeat.
i have slept three hours in the last forty eight.
yet here, today, amidst the exhaustion, beautiful clarity.
i stood again alone at the river's edge and felt as though i was going to fall in by no choice of my own.
the water and everything that swirled in my heart was sucking me in and down and under with all the emotions in my head and soul.
and then i let go.
and then i walked away.
that same day i had yelled in my car at God and said "Take it. Please take it. Protect my heart, keep it safe until the one YOU have deemed "Mr. Him" is in front of me and who YOU know will have the strength to carry the weight of a woman's heart. You keep this heart and do not let me give it away a moment too soon."
and there at the water, ripped out. removed.
confusion was gone.
Anger was gone.
Girlish webs of romantic feelings that settled were gone.
ripped out. removed.
But there was no hole in its wake.
No tears to morn its loss.
Simply a whole girl with a soul on fire.
With a new desire to be more.
A desire for the next.
Off the ledge now.
Free fallin.
The words from the stage left my body shaking with sobs and my heart over flowing.
There is so much that there is no time for sleep these days.
So much and yet everything able to be done in the 24 hours given to me.
And tomorrow we start again.
A fresh 24.
One more chance to free fall into the unknown of living out the passion I was created for.
come with?

prayer:please

Tomorrow my friend Todd will be going in for surgery to have a tumor removed. Please pray for 1) total removal of the tumor 2) that the doctors can determine quickly how aggressive the cancer is to decide further action 3) that they do not find that the cancer has spread and 4) that Todd would have complete healing in order to be able to return to full duty.

Todd is a fighter pilot in the Air Force. His girlfriend Rachael is my best friend.

Your prayers are appreciated.

.to.do.

…and there’s this burning, just like there’s always been, I’ve never been so alone, alone and I’ve and I’ve, I’ve never been so alive. So alive.
Pay off school loans.
Have 3 months salary in savings.
Get better at guitar.
Write enough songs for an entire album.
Record said album.
Paint the ideas in my head.
Become a good listener.
Become a good friend/sister/daughter/cousin/granddaughter/niece.
Find a way to pay to go back to school.
Get my RN.
Go to leadership college for missions.
Become fluent again in Spanish.
Become fluent in French and German.
Live in another country.
Live in another country on the ocean.
Surf.
Become good at surfing/ocean photography.
Not get annihilated by a shark during any of above listed ocean activities.
Be a life changing tool in someone else’s life, part of a “pivot” moment.
Have a child, my own or adopted.
Preferably get married if the latter is my own. If adopting, I’m open on the whole marriage subject. You understand I’m sure.
If referring to above marriage subject, marry someone from another country with a fantastic accent. Or blue eyes.
Be open to changing any of above listed plans if a greater goal emerges.