March 18, 2008
You say love and all religions and everything will pass
Yet here I sit with broken knees and a nervousness to last
Eyes aching, wrists are sore, fingers that keep searching
Brain waves, stomach grumbles, shift and then I’m gone
When did you drop me off
What have You left me to
Positive and all reflections and everything that’s used
Spinning in this vexed compartment, puzzle pieces all ahead
Fading writing for hands that hold the truth
The Beginning and the End
Don’t interpret me. Know me.
They are two with opposite direction
Simple complexity with jaded pin stripes and earrings for all occasions
March 24, 2008
I don’t know really where to start. Left out. That’s what I feel like. Is it my fault? Am I not looking hard enough? I missed him yesterday. I was lying down on the floor and I wanted him to lie down next to me. To put his arms around me and snuggle up to my neck. You have suffered enough and warred with yourself, it’s time that you won. Take this sinking boat and point it home, we’ve still got time. Do we. Is there still time, or was that the end. Did I really find the love of my life and did he really walk away. am I really alone today. Am I really penniless alone in a basement. Are these tears really there. Will this belly really ever feel a kick. Or is it all faded to the back. Where do I belong now. Where are you leading me. what happened to my choice. Where do I go now. Where do I go now.
song choice:Falling Slowly, Glen Hansard & Marketa Irglova
March 25, 2008
Write me some jazz
Play me a tune
Let me loose from the black to the blue
Whisper me smoky
Sing me to sleep
Slow down the lines and the promises that won’t keep
Soft and easy, caress my dreams
Write me some jazz
Keep all of me
March 26, 2008
I woke up at 6am with a migraine and then again at 9. Desperately missing him. I cried and cried. I have no idea what sparked it, but I just missed him. I missed his hands; I missed his lips, the words and kisses that would come from them. I wanted to just be near him, I wanted to say we can do this, we can fix this. But somehow I knew we couldn’t. I found something he had said that I had written down after we had put 1300 miles between us. “I love you by the way, just incase I get hit by a meteor or something before I finish that thought.” So much has changed since then. Or has it really at all. This void seems so large and I’m so oddly thankful for that. The vastness of my aching heart has pushed me to nothing else but the sufficiency of God.
I have my list. My “Do Not Settle” list. For me and for Mr. Him whoever he may be. My standards are so high now; I almost fear they could count every one out. I suppose that’s how it should be, a very poignant filter. Sharply perceptive.
The funny thing about pain is you don’t realize its worth until much later on, possibly never at all. Right now I simply want to know where I’m to go next. I understand that if we knew then there would be no cause for faith. However, I’m not asking for the entire picture, only the next step. Nothing and everything seems to be coming my way all at once. Frustration and excitement live in the same body of mine. A very anomalous place to be.
Here’s to getting your heart out by the way. Always so helpful. And here’s to those who came to my aid this morning, understanding full well that all days can’t be bright and cheery. We are not defined by the things we suffer, and the clouds always have a way of parting.
song choice:23, Jimmy Eat World
April 4, 2008
I feel like a very small thing today, gingerly stepping out into the sunlight of what it doesn’t know. I feel a rift in my heart between the desire to be bitter and the desire to move on. An angry Alanis type banner seems fitting, but as I’ve said before, I don’t want to be that. That’s not what I’m about. The countdown is coming a lot faster than I had planned. Maybe that’s why today is coming at me odd. Things have started to take on a shape, but still there is no solid direction. I suppose I’m not really worried about that, maybe I should be. Everyone I look up to and have surrounded myself with during this time has been nothing less than supportive, telling me I’m doing the right thing, normalizing my questions and feelings, pushing me to do what I need to do to set myself up for success. I think that’s why I’m not stressed out. I know this time is going exactly as it should. I’m not sitting on my hands doing nothing, I’m actively healing. Have you ever done that before? Actively healed. Walked right into your own heart and found what hurt and set up a game plan on how to deal with that hurt so that it didn’t trap you for the rest of your life. If you haven’t you should. I can’t explain its worth. I’ve been active through all of this. Things have weeded themselves out into what looks like an obvious path for me to take, and to take alone. The glimmer of excitement was at first an off thing to feel, and I almost felt guilty for feeling it. Through this time of rebuilding, new opportunities, new dreams, dreams that I had put aside, have surfaced, and through them excitement has opened its eyes to the light of what I could be. So here we go. I’m still in the waiting period. Tracy said it’s where I should be and “God is never late”. Open the doors and show me how to walk through them. Show me how to set myself up during this time for everything you would want me to be. Help me to seek Your heart in every decision I make. Let’s do this Your way. It is the best way.
April 21, 2008
I’ve been crying since I woke up this morning.
But do you want to know when the hardest tears came? I cried the hardest when a song randomly played on iTunes. I had picked Razor initially for its calming affect. I got down on my knees with Razor playing in the background and knelt at the foot of my bed in desperate prayer. I started to pray for help, for direction, for clarity. The song that played next was what made my stop and just sob. “Peace” by Jennifer Knapp –
He is my Light and my Salvation whom have I to fearIn His secret place I’ll hide and pray that I might hear a simple wordO, how I would have despaired if You had not come found me thereI can lean against You throne and find my Peace
And when my enemies draw near I pray that they will find that I’m protected and secureAll tempests He will bind with a mighty wordO, how I would have despaired if You had not come found me thereI can lean against You throne and find my Peace He is my Light and my Salvation whom have I to fear?
It was as if I could feel God surround me, hold me up, tell me there is a bigger picture, there are greater things to hope for, and He is it. He is the healer, He is the leader, and all I simply must do in these dark hours is rest in His sovereignty. I don’t know where to go. I don’t know what to pick as a job, a place to live, if I should go back to school, I have no clue. But that’s not where my concern should lie. My concern lies in seeking His heart and seeking the decisions and options that come out of that. So that’s what I whispered. “Wherever you can use me, put me there. Show me where you want me, lead me there.” The next song that played on my player right after “Peace” completely embodied that. “Take Me Away” by Lifehouse –
This time what I want is You. There is no one else who can take Your place This time you burn me with your eyes, You see past all the lies You take it all away I've seen it all and it's never enough, it keeps leaving me needing You I try to make my way to You but still I feel so lost
Don't give up on me yet, Don't forget who I am I know I'm not there yet but don't let me stay here alone I've seen it all and it's never enough, it keeps leaving me needing YouTake me away, take me away I've got nothing left to say, just take me away
This day wasn’t a coincidence. These hurts didn’t happen for nothing. Gold through the fire. Painful, but necessary. In closing I’ll add this. I went to iTunes to play these songs again. They were not in sequence on the player. They randomly played in that order. Randomly in the earthly sense I should say. He’s speaking. Maybe not in an audible voice, but He is there ever still. Are you listening?
May 21, 2008
I am the owner of a dichotomous heart. I walk myself willingly to places I wouldn’t want you to follow. I give in faster than I can think. I have goals and dreams to affect, touch, and change the world. Yet I am the most self-centered person you’ll ever meet. I am the constant reminder to myself of the reason to believe in something bigger than the messes I create.
The Reason.
It is so easy to forget. It is so easy to destroy myself from the inside out with thoughts of self preservation, religion, and the need to impress. Destroy. Destroy because when in survival mode, I miss the point.
The Point.
Amazing grace, how SWEET the sound. That saves a wretch like me. I’m the type of girl who wants to capitalize WRETCH and skim quickly over SAVES. Take the “Body” and the “Blood”, walk out the door, and forget because forgetting is so much easier. I am that type of girl. The type who needs you to change me.
Change me.
My heart screams so loudly these days. I haven’t stopped screwing things up. I haven’t stopped giving in to my way. But I was blind and now I see. Grace (noun): gift of God to humankind; the infinite love, mercy, favor, and goodwill shown to humankind by God; the condition of being free of sin, e.g. through repentance to God.
Grace.
song of choice: Amazing Because It Is, The Almost
May 31, 2008
There is a battle waging war on this heart
Tearing my thoughts into tear drops
Fear and courage collide on a stage
As empty seats sit calling out profanities
A new day, a God filled hole
Or
A cuss word and a dial tone
Try your best, change the world
Or
Pride, beer, and hormones.
So where does this leave me.
What does it look like
To struggle through and win.
How do I get my mind off baby steps
And on to bigger dreams.
I want to be a radical
Still I keep myself trapped down.
Times one, times two, times infinity.
And so I sit here broken.
Fully aware of my short comings
Intensely aware of this wrangling heart
Acutely aware of Your divinity.
June 15, 2008
It’s June 15, 2008. Today is the day I was supposed to get married. I thought I would have so much to say on this day. I thought I would be heartbroken and hurting all over again. Surprisingly I only have one real thought/emotion running through me today.
I am thankful.
This last week has been one of the best weeks of my life, all thanks to hundreds of jr. highers and a group of leaders that I am so incredibly blessed to have encountered. If I had been on the same path in my life that I was 4 months ago, nothing that I experienced or was able to be a part of would have come into fruition.
Everything would be different. I would have missed out.
This last week I was able to be used as a tool to speak to girl’s hearts. Girl’s who were just like me. Girl’s who were able to spill their hearts out and ask hard questions and learn to challenge themselves and who chose not to settle. Girl’s who told me they want to experience the real God.
If for that reason alone my heart had to break, then I tell you now, it was worth it.
All of the pain, heartache, change, tears…they were worth it. I wouldn’t change a thing. To have realized that I could have been finishing wedding plans instead of being a part of these girl’s lives, instead of having the other leaders minister to my heart in the crazy amazing ways they did, instead of watching God use me in His bigger picture like I was able to this week….it broke me. Hard.
The very first song we sang in church today had the lyric of turning mourning into praise; the sermon was on advancing the kingdom and the trials we may face through that, but above all clinging to God and His sovereignty. The service was finished with a song that left me literally sobbing, tears flowing down my cheeks, only able to lift my hands in praise to an Almighty God who I KNOW is holding this heart in His hands.
And now here I sit. So, incredibly, thankful.
This story has just started. This life has just begun to change. This heart has only just begun to understand the greatness of the amazing God I serve.
June 25, 2008
I met her today at the doctor's office I work at. She was there for physical problems, but told me quite plainly it was all related to her depression. A spot opened in my heart for her instantly. She said she had been needing treatment but it had been a long time coming due to so many things, our own office's fault included. I apologized to her. I told her it shouldn't be that hard.
She thanked me for being so nice and for actually listening to her. I told her I needed to take her blood pressure and pulse. She gave me an arm that was covered with so many scars in every different direction. There were too many to count. The other arm was exactly the same. I looked at her face sheet, she was 59.
I headed back to my desk to let the doctor know the patient was ready. On my cork board was the Anberlin To Write Love On Her Arms card with the original story. I had told so many people about TWLOHA simply by them asking what the picture was for. Today I took it down. I knew it was no longer mine to keep. When the doctor was finished she asked me to go in and give the needed prescriptions and phone numbers to call.
I came in and explained everything that needed explaining. I then told her that the last thing I wanted to give her was personal. I told her I could relate to her pain. I told her that was I was going to give her was something that helped me and something that I was very passionate about. I handed her the card. She said out loud, "To Write Love On Her Arms," and then looked up at me and stuck out her bare and so badly scared arms. I simply said, "I know."
She read aloud from the back of the card, "Stop the Bleeding, Rescue is possible. I suppose you have to believe in the rescue, don't you..." I told her, yes you do, and that is why we are here. To help. To listen. To treat. She said it meant so much. She read the story. She said she would go to the website. Her name is now written in prayer on my heart. Thank God for using TWLOHA to set me up with a tool to reach a heart. She was worth the step outside the comfort zone. We all are worth that step.
July 6, 2008
After the review of my heart I have to sit here and say I am incredibly happy. Things have grown and changed and flourished over the last five months. I’m still looking for that next step, but I am also extremely active right where I’m at. And I suppose that is kind of the point, now isn’t it.
The love of my family and friends over this time has been outstanding. And outstanding doesn’t really even begin to cover it. I owe them so incredibly much, I can only hope to return the favor to each individually in the span on this life time.
There are still changes waiting to happen, ones I was not expecting. Like staying in Lincoln first off. But it has become blatantly obvious that here is where I am supposed to be, at least for right now. Someone told me once that I should be thankful for this time because now I can experience my home town in a whole new way than ever before. I can make it my own, make it new. And I am thankful.
I have painted, written, and even played my music live since being home. That hasn’t happened in quite a while and that is something I’m very excited about.
This heart has taken on the shape of healing.
Don’t get me wrong, I still have so much more I want to accomplish and so much more I need to do. I suppose I always will. Which is why right now in this moment, I am a happy girl.
song of choice:Strawberry Swing, Coldplay
You say love and all religions and everything will pass
Yet here I sit with broken knees and a nervousness to last
Eyes aching, wrists are sore, fingers that keep searching
Brain waves, stomach grumbles, shift and then I’m gone
When did you drop me off
What have You left me to
Positive and all reflections and everything that’s used
Spinning in this vexed compartment, puzzle pieces all ahead
Fading writing for hands that hold the truth
The Beginning and the End
Don’t interpret me. Know me.
They are two with opposite direction
Simple complexity with jaded pin stripes and earrings for all occasions
March 24, 2008
I don’t know really where to start. Left out. That’s what I feel like. Is it my fault? Am I not looking hard enough? I missed him yesterday. I was lying down on the floor and I wanted him to lie down next to me. To put his arms around me and snuggle up to my neck. You have suffered enough and warred with yourself, it’s time that you won. Take this sinking boat and point it home, we’ve still got time. Do we. Is there still time, or was that the end. Did I really find the love of my life and did he really walk away. am I really alone today. Am I really penniless alone in a basement. Are these tears really there. Will this belly really ever feel a kick. Or is it all faded to the back. Where do I belong now. Where are you leading me. what happened to my choice. Where do I go now. Where do I go now.
song choice:Falling Slowly, Glen Hansard & Marketa Irglova
March 25, 2008
Write me some jazz
Play me a tune
Let me loose from the black to the blue
Whisper me smoky
Sing me to sleep
Slow down the lines and the promises that won’t keep
Soft and easy, caress my dreams
Write me some jazz
Keep all of me
March 26, 2008
I woke up at 6am with a migraine and then again at 9. Desperately missing him. I cried and cried. I have no idea what sparked it, but I just missed him. I missed his hands; I missed his lips, the words and kisses that would come from them. I wanted to just be near him, I wanted to say we can do this, we can fix this. But somehow I knew we couldn’t. I found something he had said that I had written down after we had put 1300 miles between us. “I love you by the way, just incase I get hit by a meteor or something before I finish that thought.” So much has changed since then. Or has it really at all. This void seems so large and I’m so oddly thankful for that. The vastness of my aching heart has pushed me to nothing else but the sufficiency of God.
I have my list. My “Do Not Settle” list. For me and for Mr. Him whoever he may be. My standards are so high now; I almost fear they could count every one out. I suppose that’s how it should be, a very poignant filter. Sharply perceptive.
The funny thing about pain is you don’t realize its worth until much later on, possibly never at all. Right now I simply want to know where I’m to go next. I understand that if we knew then there would be no cause for faith. However, I’m not asking for the entire picture, only the next step. Nothing and everything seems to be coming my way all at once. Frustration and excitement live in the same body of mine. A very anomalous place to be.
Here’s to getting your heart out by the way. Always so helpful. And here’s to those who came to my aid this morning, understanding full well that all days can’t be bright and cheery. We are not defined by the things we suffer, and the clouds always have a way of parting.
song choice:23, Jimmy Eat World
April 4, 2008
I feel like a very small thing today, gingerly stepping out into the sunlight of what it doesn’t know. I feel a rift in my heart between the desire to be bitter and the desire to move on. An angry Alanis type banner seems fitting, but as I’ve said before, I don’t want to be that. That’s not what I’m about. The countdown is coming a lot faster than I had planned. Maybe that’s why today is coming at me odd. Things have started to take on a shape, but still there is no solid direction. I suppose I’m not really worried about that, maybe I should be. Everyone I look up to and have surrounded myself with during this time has been nothing less than supportive, telling me I’m doing the right thing, normalizing my questions and feelings, pushing me to do what I need to do to set myself up for success. I think that’s why I’m not stressed out. I know this time is going exactly as it should. I’m not sitting on my hands doing nothing, I’m actively healing. Have you ever done that before? Actively healed. Walked right into your own heart and found what hurt and set up a game plan on how to deal with that hurt so that it didn’t trap you for the rest of your life. If you haven’t you should. I can’t explain its worth. I’ve been active through all of this. Things have weeded themselves out into what looks like an obvious path for me to take, and to take alone. The glimmer of excitement was at first an off thing to feel, and I almost felt guilty for feeling it. Through this time of rebuilding, new opportunities, new dreams, dreams that I had put aside, have surfaced, and through them excitement has opened its eyes to the light of what I could be. So here we go. I’m still in the waiting period. Tracy said it’s where I should be and “God is never late”. Open the doors and show me how to walk through them. Show me how to set myself up during this time for everything you would want me to be. Help me to seek Your heart in every decision I make. Let’s do this Your way. It is the best way.
April 21, 2008
Today has been my hardest day in awhile. I woke up to a message from a jeweler basically saying my ring was worth nothing and could not be appraised because of its poor quality. Do you know what that feels like? It feels like a slap in the face. I’ve tried my hardest through all of this not to be mad, not to be resentful, to be more grateful than hurt, but today? Today that was impossible for me to accomplish alone. Tears flowed freely as soon as I got off the phone. Then the next blow. There is no one who buys back wedding dresses here. Not even for 100 bucks. Nothing. My dress, my beautiful dress that I looked so hard for, is also worth nothing. And the final blow. School. I got accepted, but have to work for a year before they can put me in the advanced program. So now I can move, and I’m accepted, but I don’t know how much I’ll have to repeat, and I don’t have a job.
I’ve been crying since I woke up this morning.
But do you want to know when the hardest tears came? I cried the hardest when a song randomly played on iTunes. I had picked Razor initially for its calming affect. I got down on my knees with Razor playing in the background and knelt at the foot of my bed in desperate prayer. I started to pray for help, for direction, for clarity. The song that played next was what made my stop and just sob. “Peace” by Jennifer Knapp –
He is my Light and my Salvation whom have I to fearIn His secret place I’ll hide and pray that I might hear a simple wordO, how I would have despaired if You had not come found me thereI can lean against You throne and find my Peace
And when my enemies draw near I pray that they will find that I’m protected and secureAll tempests He will bind with a mighty wordO, how I would have despaired if You had not come found me thereI can lean against You throne and find my Peace He is my Light and my Salvation whom have I to fear?
It was as if I could feel God surround me, hold me up, tell me there is a bigger picture, there are greater things to hope for, and He is it. He is the healer, He is the leader, and all I simply must do in these dark hours is rest in His sovereignty. I don’t know where to go. I don’t know what to pick as a job, a place to live, if I should go back to school, I have no clue. But that’s not where my concern should lie. My concern lies in seeking His heart and seeking the decisions and options that come out of that. So that’s what I whispered. “Wherever you can use me, put me there. Show me where you want me, lead me there.” The next song that played on my player right after “Peace” completely embodied that. “Take Me Away” by Lifehouse –
This time what I want is You. There is no one else who can take Your place This time you burn me with your eyes, You see past all the lies You take it all away I've seen it all and it's never enough, it keeps leaving me needing You I try to make my way to You but still I feel so lost
Don't give up on me yet, Don't forget who I am I know I'm not there yet but don't let me stay here alone I've seen it all and it's never enough, it keeps leaving me needing YouTake me away, take me away I've got nothing left to say, just take me away
This day wasn’t a coincidence. These hurts didn’t happen for nothing. Gold through the fire. Painful, but necessary. In closing I’ll add this. I went to iTunes to play these songs again. They were not in sequence on the player. They randomly played in that order. Randomly in the earthly sense I should say. He’s speaking. Maybe not in an audible voice, but He is there ever still. Are you listening?
May 12, 2008
Everlong is on repeat. This will not be cohesive I can tell already. Road trips always inspire. Something, I’m not sure what, maybe just more road trips. But I always come home inspired. I feel ancy in my own skin right now. Ancy isn’t a word. I feel like the cliff is fastly approaching and it’s almost my time to jump. Fastly isn’t a word either. The Barbarian Way. Read it. It has my mind crushing itself with thoughts and revelations to the point of physical throbbing. My whole body seems to be pulsating louder than normal, a picture of my heart asking itself questions out loud. Is this the way it should be done, or is this simply the way you’ve always done it. Are these thoughts my own or has my mind finally begun to lending itself to a Higher way of thinking.
Religion can be one of the surest places to keep us from God. When our faith becomes refined, it is no longer dangerous to the dark kingdom.
…
Domesticated Christians are far too willing to abdicate the battle for the soul of the world. Civility focuses our energy on all the wrong places. We spend our lives emphasizing our personal development and spiritual well-being. We build churches that become nothing more than hiding places for the faithful while pretending our actions are for the good of the world.
In contrast Jesus calls us to a different way… We cannot limit our sights to what is flesh and blood. We should know better than that. To see from a kingdom perspective is to know that there is a conflict of invisible kingdoms and that people’s lives are forever changed by what happens in the unseen. We are called to be warriors of light in dark places.
…
Two thousand years ago God started a revolt against the religion He started. So don’t ever put it past God to cause a groundswell movement against churches and Christian institutions that bear His name.
…
Anyone who can picture Jesus as the great Advocate of tradition is doing some serious doctoring of biblical history. Jesus was anything but the poster child for status quo.
…
Anyone who chooses the barbarian way will learn quickly that love and sacrifice cannot be separated. This is perhaps why so many of us who know love fear love. We know that love is not the absence of pain. If anything, love is the promise of pain. No one has loved more deeply than God. Has anyone ever been more betrayed? God would not know suffering if He did not know love. But because He is Love, He chose to suffer on our behalf. Without love there is no glory in suffering.
…
If we are to be like Him, we must always risk for love.
…
There’s a world that desperately needs God, a world filled with loneliness, hopelessness, and fear. We have somehow become deaf to a cry that reaches heaven coming form the souls of men. But God hears.
- Excerpts from The Barbarian Way by Erwin McManus
Religion can be one of the surest places to keep us from God. When our faith becomes refined, it is no longer dangerous to the dark kingdom.
…
Domesticated Christians are far too willing to abdicate the battle for the soul of the world. Civility focuses our energy on all the wrong places. We spend our lives emphasizing our personal development and spiritual well-being. We build churches that become nothing more than hiding places for the faithful while pretending our actions are for the good of the world.
In contrast Jesus calls us to a different way… We cannot limit our sights to what is flesh and blood. We should know better than that. To see from a kingdom perspective is to know that there is a conflict of invisible kingdoms and that people’s lives are forever changed by what happens in the unseen. We are called to be warriors of light in dark places.
…
Two thousand years ago God started a revolt against the religion He started. So don’t ever put it past God to cause a groundswell movement against churches and Christian institutions that bear His name.
…
Anyone who can picture Jesus as the great Advocate of tradition is doing some serious doctoring of biblical history. Jesus was anything but the poster child for status quo.
…
Anyone who chooses the barbarian way will learn quickly that love and sacrifice cannot be separated. This is perhaps why so many of us who know love fear love. We know that love is not the absence of pain. If anything, love is the promise of pain. No one has loved more deeply than God. Has anyone ever been more betrayed? God would not know suffering if He did not know love. But because He is Love, He chose to suffer on our behalf. Without love there is no glory in suffering.
…
If we are to be like Him, we must always risk for love.
…
There’s a world that desperately needs God, a world filled with loneliness, hopelessness, and fear. We have somehow become deaf to a cry that reaches heaven coming form the souls of men. But God hears.
- Excerpts from The Barbarian Way by Erwin McManus
song of choice:Everlong (acoustic), Foo Fighters
May 21, 2008
I am the owner of a dichotomous heart. I walk myself willingly to places I wouldn’t want you to follow. I give in faster than I can think. I have goals and dreams to affect, touch, and change the world. Yet I am the most self-centered person you’ll ever meet. I am the constant reminder to myself of the reason to believe in something bigger than the messes I create.
The Reason.
It is so easy to forget. It is so easy to destroy myself from the inside out with thoughts of self preservation, religion, and the need to impress. Destroy. Destroy because when in survival mode, I miss the point.
The Point.
Amazing grace, how SWEET the sound. That saves a wretch like me. I’m the type of girl who wants to capitalize WRETCH and skim quickly over SAVES. Take the “Body” and the “Blood”, walk out the door, and forget because forgetting is so much easier. I am that type of girl. The type who needs you to change me.
Change me.
My heart screams so loudly these days. I haven’t stopped screwing things up. I haven’t stopped giving in to my way. But I was blind and now I see. Grace (noun): gift of God to humankind; the infinite love, mercy, favor, and goodwill shown to humankind by God; the condition of being free of sin, e.g. through repentance to God.
Grace.
song of choice: Amazing Because It Is, The Almost
May 31, 2008
There is a battle waging war on this heart
Tearing my thoughts into tear drops
Fear and courage collide on a stage
As empty seats sit calling out profanities
A new day, a God filled hole
Or
A cuss word and a dial tone
Try your best, change the world
Or
Pride, beer, and hormones.
So where does this leave me.
What does it look like
To struggle through and win.
How do I get my mind off baby steps
And on to bigger dreams.
I want to be a radical
Still I keep myself trapped down.
Times one, times two, times infinity.
And so I sit here broken.
Fully aware of my short comings
Intensely aware of this wrangling heart
Acutely aware of Your divinity.
June 15, 2008
It’s June 15, 2008. Today is the day I was supposed to get married. I thought I would have so much to say on this day. I thought I would be heartbroken and hurting all over again. Surprisingly I only have one real thought/emotion running through me today.
I am thankful.
This last week has been one of the best weeks of my life, all thanks to hundreds of jr. highers and a group of leaders that I am so incredibly blessed to have encountered. If I had been on the same path in my life that I was 4 months ago, nothing that I experienced or was able to be a part of would have come into fruition.
Everything would be different. I would have missed out.
This last week I was able to be used as a tool to speak to girl’s hearts. Girl’s who were just like me. Girl’s who were able to spill their hearts out and ask hard questions and learn to challenge themselves and who chose not to settle. Girl’s who told me they want to experience the real God.
If for that reason alone my heart had to break, then I tell you now, it was worth it.
All of the pain, heartache, change, tears…they were worth it. I wouldn’t change a thing. To have realized that I could have been finishing wedding plans instead of being a part of these girl’s lives, instead of having the other leaders minister to my heart in the crazy amazing ways they did, instead of watching God use me in His bigger picture like I was able to this week….it broke me. Hard.
The very first song we sang in church today had the lyric of turning mourning into praise; the sermon was on advancing the kingdom and the trials we may face through that, but above all clinging to God and His sovereignty. The service was finished with a song that left me literally sobbing, tears flowing down my cheeks, only able to lift my hands in praise to an Almighty God who I KNOW is holding this heart in His hands.
And now here I sit. So, incredibly, thankful.
This story has just started. This life has just begun to change. This heart has only just begun to understand the greatness of the amazing God I serve.
June 25, 2008
I met her today at the doctor's office I work at. She was there for physical problems, but told me quite plainly it was all related to her depression. A spot opened in my heart for her instantly. She said she had been needing treatment but it had been a long time coming due to so many things, our own office's fault included. I apologized to her. I told her it shouldn't be that hard.
She thanked me for being so nice and for actually listening to her. I told her I needed to take her blood pressure and pulse. She gave me an arm that was covered with so many scars in every different direction. There were too many to count. The other arm was exactly the same. I looked at her face sheet, she was 59.
I headed back to my desk to let the doctor know the patient was ready. On my cork board was the Anberlin To Write Love On Her Arms card with the original story. I had told so many people about TWLOHA simply by them asking what the picture was for. Today I took it down. I knew it was no longer mine to keep. When the doctor was finished she asked me to go in and give the needed prescriptions and phone numbers to call.
I came in and explained everything that needed explaining. I then told her that the last thing I wanted to give her was personal. I told her I could relate to her pain. I told her that was I was going to give her was something that helped me and something that I was very passionate about. I handed her the card. She said out loud, "To Write Love On Her Arms," and then looked up at me and stuck out her bare and so badly scared arms. I simply said, "I know."
She read aloud from the back of the card, "Stop the Bleeding, Rescue is possible. I suppose you have to believe in the rescue, don't you..." I told her, yes you do, and that is why we are here. To help. To listen. To treat. She said it meant so much. She read the story. She said she would go to the website. Her name is now written in prayer on my heart. Thank God for using TWLOHA to set me up with a tool to reach a heart. She was worth the step outside the comfort zone. We all are worth that step.
July 6, 2008
After the review of my heart I have to sit here and say I am incredibly happy. Things have grown and changed and flourished over the last five months. I’m still looking for that next step, but I am also extremely active right where I’m at. And I suppose that is kind of the point, now isn’t it.
The love of my family and friends over this time has been outstanding. And outstanding doesn’t really even begin to cover it. I owe them so incredibly much, I can only hope to return the favor to each individually in the span on this life time.
There are still changes waiting to happen, ones I was not expecting. Like staying in Lincoln first off. But it has become blatantly obvious that here is where I am supposed to be, at least for right now. Someone told me once that I should be thankful for this time because now I can experience my home town in a whole new way than ever before. I can make it my own, make it new. And I am thankful.
I have painted, written, and even played my music live since being home. That hasn’t happened in quite a while and that is something I’m very excited about.
This heart has taken on the shape of healing.
Don’t get me wrong, I still have so much more I want to accomplish and so much more I need to do. I suppose I always will. Which is why right now in this moment, I am a happy girl.
song of choice:Strawberry Swing, Coldplay
hey dear friend. just want you to know you are on my mind today. im praying that your joy becomes more and more and simply...unable to be contained.
ReplyDeletelove you.