for:you

i haven't written in cohesive thoughts in awhile. i can't really give you a reason why. i suppose part of me thinks either a) no one is listening or b) right about now, the significant things my heart is feeling cannot be defined by words.

perhaps it is a little of both.

i feel like every time i sit to write i have the same haunting thought driving my fingers. what next. when will i experience that big "a ha" moment. when will i feel like i have finally accomplished what i set out to do. as i write that i feel like that "what" that i set out to do will be ever changing. so really, i'll always be in search of that accomplishment. i suppose i wouldn't be living if i didn't feel that way. unsatisfied i mean. 7 years ago "what" was being a fighter pilot. 5 years ago, a photographer. 6 months ago, a wife.

and now, finally, i feel as though i am starting to fulfill my purpose.

all of those things were good things, good dreams. all of those things i truly felt i would do anything to attain. my heart was truly in them.

but. they. missed. the. bigger. dream.

it's not complicated. it's really rather simple. yet it has changed me to the absolute core. it has redefined everything in my life and opened the very eyes i see this life through. it has broken through the shallowness of a trophy girl who let the opinions of others define her. it has opened a legalist to look beyond the rules and to the heart. it has brought hope to this girl who once sat crying in the bathroom with a knife to her wrists. living with the bigger dream in view dramatically changed me.

love God.love people.

can i get my point across through words and a web log, not likely. can i even get it across live and in person? based on the controversy i've encountered and created in the last few months, no. some people believe that people can't change. for me that is incredibly hard to swallow. but then there i go again, caring so much what others think of me, how others perceive me. and while that is important, while i do care for others hearts, i have come to find that i cannot change them. more than once my attempts to keep my nose clean has backfired. i don't know which is the lesser of two evils, coming off as snobbish because you "don't want to create drama" or putting yourself knowingly into situations that would make you appear snobbish because by being there you are saying "i don't care about your heart, or your wishes, or really anything about you at all."

sometimes i know that is the problem, i do care. my heart does hurt. what's more frustrating about myself is that as i write this, i'm not writing with just one particular person in mind. there are a few that i've encountered this within the last few months. so what does that say about me? i suppose it says what really is truth, i make mistakes.

there are more than a few relationships that have been severed in my life within the last six months. some for the best, some for the better, some that i can't give a definition to. i think that's why i've been sitting on the quieter side of life these days. i think that's why i'm slow to respond. there is a redefinition going on.

which brings me back to my main point i have deviated from. love God, love people. Through all of this trouble my own little heart has somehow created and survived, those four words have begun a redefinition of everything i know. from how i see myself, to the work that i do, to the dreams that i have, to how my heart looks at you. those four words have redefined everything.

don't get me wrong, quiet does not mean simple. it does not mean easy. this is the absolute hardest thing i've ever had to go through in my life. you try packing up everything you once held as your hope for happily ever after and still somehow continue to breathe. you try not throwing up knowing that you have visibly just watched an absolutely life altering moment in your life, when you see infront of you the path your life could have taken as opposed to the one your are so gratefully on. you try not being scared out of your mind when you know you are called to speak out to another hurting heart, that your words could be the difference between life and death for them, but it is what you are called to do, so you must. you try longing to make an incredible difference and yet facing what seems like road block after road block until the last thing you want to do is keep trying.

and here i realize how incredibly prideful that was of me. i say "you try" as if you are not out there facing your own battles, most probably much much worse than this fair heart has ever had to endure. so i applaud you. i pat you on the back. if anything, i say all these things so that others will know, i know. i'm here too. we are too much of an isolationist culture. i suppose that is why i ramble as i do. because at this point, if you're still reading it's because you have connected. we need more of that. more connection, more community. more availability for one another.

and so to you, to your heart, i say keep pushing.

keep pushing and know there are those of us like myself who are more than on your side. most importantly there is a Savior, a Creator, a soul satisfier who is incredibly in love with you, right where you are. no games. no gimmicks. no rules or regulations. simply a love that i will never comprehend but will eternally be grateful for. it is that Love that has changed me. it is that Love that makes me want my life, my mistakes, my choices, my dreams, my heart be a part of changing you, a part of changing the world.