not what anyone would say

So it's been a minute since I've put thought here. I suppose everything goes to facebook these days, mostly because I'm not afraid to have my heart on my sleeve. If you want to know, trust me, you will. I'm not much for hiding things. Sometimes that makes people uncomfortable, most times it makes me thankful. The above picture is something I made last week. I called it "My Brain." Just a small clue. "I just wanna say, I'm the type of person who lets fear drive. I'm the type of guy who lets it drive..." that song is on my player, again. Has been pretty much every day since I bought the album. Grace. A new concept to this little wretch.

Legalism is a stranglehold. It held me and my loved ones well into my adult years, and is still creeping in ways I'm sometimes blind to. Thank God for people who love me enough to speak truth to me even when it's hard for them to do.

The challenge recently has been that though God's grown me in leaps and bounds over this last year, it is time to let those big things I've learned filter down into the little things, into the everyday. "A view from a good friend who disapproves but understands" that lyric just played when I paused after everyday, and that's pretty much exactly it. A good friend sat me down and said I needed to change some things up. "Cause I know it's not what you deserve." She said while things have changed, and while I have had good things surrounding my life and good things in and out of my life, the enemy still had the capabilities of using those good things to keep me from best things. Her challenge? Be single. Be alone. Be purposeful in both an in that solitude seek Christ like never before and with no distraction.

When she spoke her words, my heart matched up with them word for word and seemed to jump for joy inside me. I had been absolutely wrestling with situations on which my heart wasn't clear. Questions like "am I ready? what of baggage? what of timing? what of all my plans I am craving for? What of travel, what of solitude? what of relationship PHOBIA?" plus a thousand others were bouncing inside my head at a million miles an hour, until I heard her say "be single."

In that instant my heart breathed a sigh of relief.

Suddenly all my hopes and dreams seemed to be restored. All of the time I knew I would need to walk through my own heart was handed back to me. And it felt good.

::pause for blender sound drowning out ability to think::

and we're ::blender again:: nope...wait for it...

ok. we're back. :D

I don't know it's hard to understand unless you're me. Most, almost all really, of my friends are ready to be at that next phase of their life. They are actively seeking and searching for Mr. Him or Miss Her. And that makes sense, it does. They are the normal. But for me? That doesn't fit. Not just yet. Thinking of having a family terrifies me. Thinking of the responsibilities that come with being a wife makes my heart scream "I'M NOT READY YET!!!" and really. That's ok. That's actually a really good thing, because let's face it. I still have things I need to purge, things I need to learn, and just in general, life that I need to walk through before I can even think about handing this heart over.

And right now, in that last pause, the perfect song plays. "You close your eyes and kiss your hand, and you blow it. but it isn't meant for me and I know it. Time never had a chance to heal your heart."

So here I am. I'm learning how to pray. Learning how to live a life of truth and love. Learning how to care for things in the moments they are given. Learning how to listen to the hearts of people I love. Learning how listen to my own heart. Learning to get exciting about where God is taking just me. This is good. This is just good.