fingers itch for words to tell you what i'm really thinking.caffeine sends a surge, with a nervous twitch that sends me shaking.kiss me lullaby.send me off to chase my dreams.but keep these knuckles bleeding.let me fight this out on the big screen.give me divine inspiration to rip out these chains that hold me back.fear uncertainty and complacency die a thousand deaths.no place for you here.no time for your 24 hour rules.for i do not have 24 hours.this life not mine to lose.live now.live best.live more than just alive.this is the diary of change.the documentation of metamorphosis.a release on which soul thrives.these secret words to you leave me with only me.all continues to shatter and break,a breakdown to my knees.while we pursue my place,like glass to water falls each piece.in ocean's endless face a transformation.a definition.an introduction of a single beating moment,of this potential,to me.-b.sue

she told me she just needed a break

My personal problems were silenced tonight. It was my night to volunteer at Clinic with a Heart. We helped 62 homeless and in need people in two hours. Among all the storied I met tonight, there was a girl named Pam*. Pam is a mother. Pam is homeless. Pam is bipolar. Pam is the victim of domestic abuse. Pam can't afford help and Pam can't afford a home. God put me in Pam's way tonight, partly for Pam, but mostly for me.

I sat with Pam tonight as she cried. Through tears she told me she just needed a break. She needed a jump start, a chance. I brought her water to calm her down, and napkins to dry her eyes. I sat with Pam tonight as she cried. I cried on the drive home. I cry now.

"Break my heart for what breaks Yours."

I sang that in all earnestness and sincerity from the stage only two days ago. At the same time Pam was calling 911. She was watching her boyfriend attempt suicide because she had found the strength to leave him. 

"Open my eyes to what I can't see. Open my heart to what's bigger than me. Open my ears to Your whispering. Open my hands to their suffering."

I asked. He answered. Consider this heart more than wide awake.

awaken

As I put thought to word
I bitterly think, if you don’t get this
You. Don’t. Get. Me.
But who could at this point
I don’t even get myself.
There is so much here now and so much pending
There are so many choices and so much lending
Itself to my craziness.
Will I always change my mind?
Will I never just know?
Will I always second guess myself
Will there ever be someone to show
Who my heart really is.
Or will they always slip and take advantage.
What is this of purity, what is this of forgiveness?
What is this of leadership and heartfelt intervention.
What is this of grace and what is this true compassion?
Can my heart be free to fly or must I remain pensive.
You don’t know me.
I don’t know me.
And yet we distract myself.
When my heart should be thinking about its ways to offer
All it can conjure up is thoughts about itself.
My focus has shifted, to the point where it is all but gone.
Sitting now unmoved in pews, one question:
Where did I go wrong.
Then suddenly
You appear again
Through curly hair and a ‘been there’ face.
You cut right through using their mouth in ways I can’t explain.
My heart cries for again I’ve missed the mark
My heart cries for again, there You are.
My desire that once waivered is awakened by Your breath.
My heart clings to its purpose, to its Lover, to its Friend.
The questions and the tears are not instantly removed.
The ‘now whats’ and the ‘with whats’ remain stuck between my shoes.
But here surfaces clarity
Where the true cry of this heart belongs,
{You} Help me.
{You} Help me be.
{You} Help me be strong.
b.sue

_________________

"Awaken" Bethany Hamm
Here I am again
Heart split from my head
My words are separated
My mind is all but jaded
Awaken
Awaken me.
Open my eyes to what I can’t see
Open my heart to what’s bigger than me
Open my ears to Your whispering
Open my hands to their suffering
Awaken
Awaken me.
You’ve lasted all my crazy games
You never held me to my shame
How could I look past You
I feel Your fingers through my hair
I can sense You everywhere
Awaken
Awaken me.
Open my eyes to what I can’t see
Open my heart to what’s bigger than me
Open my ears to Your whispering
Open my hands to their suffering
Awaken
Awaken me.

front door.

i went to sleep with tears.
i woke up with tears.
and i can't tell you if i'm doing this to myself.
i don't know where my head is.
i feel like my heart is spinning.
and i'm trying to state this plainly
as to not lose anyone's train of thought
especially my own.

maybe i just need to be a recluse.
maybe i just need to recharge.
but how do i do that.
and what does that look like.
again, more questions to my soul.

maybe i should just wear a sign
a sign that says warning:not normal
but then i'd suppose i'd have to make signs for us all.

so. here i sit. lost in thought.
praying that You show me that You're in control.
and here i sit. not wanting to leave.
but knowing that i must walk out this front door.
my brain is a mess and my heart is spinning.
but i must keep going.
i must walk out this front door.

dreams be dreams.

free fallin'

my mind is all but gone as i sit alone at an old table in a new kitchen.
john mayer's version of free fallin' is on repeat.
i have slept three hours in the last forty eight.
yet here, today, amidst the exhaustion, beautiful clarity.
i stood again alone at the river's edge and felt as though i was going to fall in by no choice of my own.
the water and everything that swirled in my heart was sucking me in and down and under with all the emotions in my head and soul.
and then i let go.
and then i walked away.
that same day i had yelled in my car at God and said "Take it. Please take it. Protect my heart, keep it safe until the one YOU have deemed "Mr. Him" is in front of me and who YOU know will have the strength to carry the weight of a woman's heart. You keep this heart and do not let me give it away a moment too soon."
and there at the water, ripped out. removed.
confusion was gone.
Anger was gone.
Girlish webs of romantic feelings that settled were gone.
ripped out. removed.
But there was no hole in its wake.
No tears to morn its loss.
Simply a whole girl with a soul on fire.
With a new desire to be more.
A desire for the next.
Off the ledge now.
Free fallin.
The words from the stage left my body shaking with sobs and my heart over flowing.
There is so much that there is no time for sleep these days.
So much and yet everything able to be done in the 24 hours given to me.
And tomorrow we start again.
A fresh 24.
One more chance to free fall into the unknown of living out the passion I was created for.
come with?

prayer:please

Tomorrow my friend Todd will be going in for surgery to have a tumor removed. Please pray for 1) total removal of the tumor 2) that the doctors can determine quickly how aggressive the cancer is to decide further action 3) that they do not find that the cancer has spread and 4) that Todd would have complete healing in order to be able to return to full duty.

Todd is a fighter pilot in the Air Force. His girlfriend Rachael is my best friend.

Your prayers are appreciated.